Struggling Again

Just when I think I’ve got this life under control, things slip just a bit & I feel myself falling into darkness.  I can’t seem to apply the brakes and I know it’s coming… the darkness.  It’s right there at the edges of the light and has begun to bleed into all the happy moments. 

And with the darkness comes the pain and the shame.  I’ve been months without falling back to the blade, but the pull now is Painfully strong. I can’t go to the store because I obsess about ‘that area’ and I just can’t tempt myself.  I do my best not to be alone for fear the  time alone will give me opportunities I can’t afford.  

So I lay in bed every night plotting ways to avoid what is coming… Because it just a matter of time.

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2 thoughts on “Struggling Again

  1. What’s going on that is leading up to this? I admire all the ways you are working hard to avoid cutting. But…the need, which I equate to my eating when not hungry…what’s the need, the pain you want to avoid?
    Who can listen? I can listen. Do you have some listeners, a place to dump it? That helps me so much, though I also don’t like to have needs. Revelation. It is ok to have needs and be human.
    If you cut, like when I eat, the relief is temporary. Letting it out, or replacing it what you really need…for me it is learning to be self-loving, and stopping those negatives I’m bombarded with especially when vulnerable.

  2. Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been skirting it myself, but set tiny objectives so that I can accomplish one thing each day. I know it’s not easy, I hope you can be gentle with yourself – and know you’re not alone xx

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