It’s been along time…

It’s been a long while since I have written here.  I read often, sometimes comment, often wish I could get my thoughts onto the screen, but I’ve not had the courage.  But I’ve missed this place & the freedom of spilling my thoughts into the blogosphere… even if no one reads it but me.

Things aren’t good.

Things have been low.  It’s been a hard few months that, 2 years ago, would have been the end of me.  But, somehow I live on.

My nephew, the only ‘son’ I’ve ever known, is gone.  He was a vibrant, intelligent, amazing, talented 15 year old young man.  He was such a beautiful soul & was adored by us all.  He was killed in a freak ATV accident on Nov 2 and passed at 7:04 pm.  We were blessed to be there as he entered this world Nov 13, 2000 and honored (as odd as that seems) to be there as he left this world.  How do you support parents who have lost the oldest child and only son when you are doing your damnedest not to fall apart?  I cannot imagine their pain… because mine is unbearable and I didn’t give birth to him.

How does one continue? 

Holidays have always been particularly hard, but this year beats the years of sexual, physical & emotional abuse.  I can bear all the pain you can muster.  I’ll either live or die.  But to know the level of pain they are all enduring– this family I love– is more than I can take.  And so, my months have been filled with hurt, memories, pain, nightmares and moments I have to convince myself not to die because it’s more pain than these loved soul could shoulder.  I’m strong because I had to be.  They’ve not lived that pain & this has been so very painful.

The week after Devon’s death & funeral & memorial I was to see my psychiatrist, Dr M.  I needed that appointment like a lifesaver during a flood, but he was sick & had to cancel.  That was November 16… and the ‘earliest opening’ was Jan 17. As in 2 months to wait– through what is the absolute worst part of the year (even in a good year). This year has been hell.  Absolute hell & I had to make it through without any help… or meds.

But I’ve made it even though there have been multiple times of self-harm, too many suicidal thoughts & a plethora of nightmares &  tears.  I’ll see Dr M on Tuesday, but I’m not sure what he can do to help.  I’m tired of all this, but hold on to avoid the pain I’d cause my daughters, husband & friends who have suffered enough already. 

For now, anyway.

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3 thoughts on “It’s been along time…

  1. I am so sorry to hear of such a tremendous loss.
    About 4 years ago, my niece at age 30 died from an overdose. Although not my child, my grief was still great. It was allowed expression through my work. A mosaic came from me in her dedication. It was going to be massage hands because that was her career but I turned the hands upward holding the earth. It hangs in my studio. So many tears fell on it while making it, but it helped me remember her in light.
    I can’t imagine the loss of one’s child.
    Another nephew, one I was not close to, died a year ago from pneumonia. He was also in his thirties.

    Life walks with death every day, and that includes everybody.We just never know at the end of the day whether we will still be here. Somehow we must find a way to go on, and gather strength from each other to do so. It sounds like you are a source of strength for your family, but I hope you find outlets for your own grief and pain. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. Darling person, you have managed to stuggle this far, please keep on with the struggle, knowing that it will truly get easier as you live through your life. You are important, and the pain you feel proves it. Pain, love, grief, they go together and help a suffering human become a good human and then a wonderful human. Keep going, one moment at a time!

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. As a trauma survivor I get the general difficulties that can come with the holidays and winter, but adding loss on top of that. Be gentle with yourself and keep writing. I’m convinced it’s good medicine.

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