Again

Well, it happened again.  

I have major depressive disorder and things haven’t been going so well.  And after months of struggling, I ended up in the hospital again on April 5.  Specifically, I ended up there because I had a plan to end my life and I was struggling with hallucinations.

This time I stopped taking my meds in December because I could no longer afford to pay for my meds,  bills and still buy gifts for my kids.  After our nephew died in November, we needed some happiness and I made the choice to leave meds off the list of needs… and I hate taking them.

January came along and so did more bills.  February offered no more opportunity to get ahead nor did March so I could not afford my medications.  (To be clear, I currently take about 35 pills a day on a “good day” and between 38-44 pills, 2 creams, 2 inhalers & a breathing machine for “bad” days.)  

I did visit my psychiatrist during this time and explain my situation.  He was understanding and he gave me a number to call for a discount and some samples until I could fill my prescription.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t afford the cost even with the discount… $190 is still too much when money is tight.  So I would take a few pills here and there… a definite no no with psychotrophyics. 

So, by February I had begun to have auditory hallucinations.  They were a bit frightening at first… and sometimes upsetting, but manageable for the most.  But by the end of February, the visual hallucinations began and things got weird.  March brought odd hallucinations of cats, dogs walking in front of my car, people I’d never seen and shadows that scared me senseless more than once.  I could usually talk myself out of the fear and I never lost touch with reality, but things weren’t easy.

By April, I was depressed, struggling to get thru each day, and tired of fighting my own mind.  On the night of April 4, I’d decided to play a game with God.  As it turns out, I lost– or I guess, since I’m here, I won.  That night, I hallucinated again.  It was the only time I saw someone who had passed away and the only time a hallucination spoke to me.  This one time, my nephew was sitting in my living room in his ‘normal spot’.  He asked me why he was in the living room & wanted to know why I had been thinking about dying that night.  I had no answer.  When I put my head in my hands to think, he disappeared.  The next day, I went to my psychologist & turned myself over.

I spent 8 days inpatient and 15 days outpatient at the facility.  I lost almost the whole month of April… from April 5- May 3 from work.  Now,  I also must go to the counselor lead groups on Monday from 6:00-8:00 for the next 12 weeks.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and psychosis… go figure.  I was given new drugs, met great new people, lost weight & learned new strategies to work on my life.

This time I wasn’t as angry.  This time I didn’t fight the system & I wanted to learn.  This time I wanted to take something from the groups to make life different.  This time I understand that, no matter how hard I try, how good I am, how much I work, I’ll probably end up in the hospital

Again…

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