Oh yeah… Mania. I do love a good mania. I get SOO much done. You have a project? I’m on it! We need to rethink an approach to how we teach an element? I’m on it! We have a major event that has to be planned? Done & done. Desk clear, calendar executed, all projects completed! I look like a friggin monster! Yeah– I’ve finished it.
Sleep? I don’t need it.
Food? Not right now.
Thinking? I’m doing it 24/7– and so are all the damn voices in my head. Shit…
Oh hell yeah… My head is full of noise. I’ve tried to explain it before– those voices. Let me explain. It’s like being in a quiet room (like a library or church) and knowing that people around you are holding whispered conversations that you can’t quite make out except for a few words, but you can hear them. And then there is that ONE VOICE that is just a bit louder that you CAN hear. THAT voice is simply vile… “everyone thinks you are ridiculous”, “you are a fraud”, “you should just slit your wrists”, “you should just end it all”, “everyone just pities you”… on and on. Pleasant. Have i listened? Did i cut? Well… yeah. Did it shut the voices up? For a bit. Sometimes, not all the time, it’s blissfully quiet– but it doesn’t last. I know it’s not real, honestly. I’m not crazy. But, when people DO talk to me, there are times i don’t realize it! It can be hard to tell the difference. Oops!
Oh… and i have had a few visual hallucinations. They are a bit more rare. Nothing too scary, usually… Most times it’s just a particular black cat, Midnight. He’s always in my periphery. When things get BAD, my hallucinations of of people who walk into the street as I’m driving. That’s horrifying.
There are other things too… but i don’t want to sound too crazy. I know how nuts they sound and i want save some face. 😉
I was with my psychologist last week and (because she insisted) i contacted my psychiatrist. He adjusted my meds with the hope it would “fix” things by today. He was hinting that the hospital might be needed–which he NEVER does. I hate going & wanted to work thru it at home.
Now, i think I’m regretting that choice, but I’m not willing to go until my doctor pushes it… and my psychologist is out next week. I’m just going to push thru & hope the meds continue to work…
And i hope the darkest part is over.
to be honest… I’m scared.