Today, my youngest daughter asked me who my best friend is with the most innocent of questions.
She’s 13 and she & her best friend spend hours laughing & texting. Her 17 year old sister & best friends go out shopping & double dating. Her 20 year old sister & best friend hold hours late at night consoling each other about the torture of “adulting”. She even sees her dad and his best friend of 34 years hanging out watching movies, cooking out and playing video games. So I guess it was a natural question to wonder.
Because I have no best friend. She rarely sees with anyone.
I have good friends I call now and then; people I see once in awhile. I have work friends. I have a couple of friends from church. But I don’t have a best friend I call when I want to talk, to hang, to spend “girl time” with now and again. When my world is crumbling and my husband has grown (obviously) exhausted of picking up the pieces, there is no one to call. There have been close friends in the past, but they all left… got on with their lives, thank you. I’ve got no friend to share grievances or grief… you know, a free counselor, ha. And, to be honest, it’s lonely and it hurts. I don’t know what I’ve done or not done to be without a close friend. I wish i had a clue.
Yeah… her question was simple. And so was my answer.
“I don’t have a best friend.”
“Why mom? Seriously? I just thought you did.”
(No… i don’t have a best friend, because my many mental and physical illnesses make me hard to love, i suppose. And I’m lonely and it hurts.)
“Nope… I have friends, just none that are best friends. It’s fine. You are lucky. Remember to be a good best friend, ok?”
“Ok. Can we get ice cream?”
She’s past it. I’m still trying to figure out why I’m back in Jr High wait to be picked for a team of dodge ball. I just wish I had the magic to make a best friend like the rest of the people in this family.
Because lonely sucks.